Do I have to go to Long John Silvers?

            Who would ever go to a surf-shack style over-the-counter fish stick serving fast food joint in the middle of Michigan? My perception of Long John Silvers is probably clouded by my dedication to health and the local food system, which is why I for-see this experience to be an incredibly mediocre one for me, and I hope it will shed some light upon the mindset of so many fast-food obsessed junkies that we sit in class and analyze every day. Never having entered the building, it seems impossible that the cabana-sized beach shack holds a substantial kitchen and adequate seating.

            I hope there won’t be too many rowdy kids, and I certainly hope their Hansel and Gretel crumbs won’t be strewn across all of the tables and out the door. Though not a germ –a-phobe, I appreciate an appropriately sanitized dining experience. I’m sure the plastic booths will have that mysterious slimy coating on the top, and I’m sure the tables will be either just too high or just too low for the fixed benches. I bet the bathrooms will look like the ones I use in a rapid rush on pit-stops, those with toilet seat covers.

Reading their mission statement on the website with a permanently critical eye, trying to de-code statements such as “all natural” was not helpful. Their fisherman “cast their nets in the best waters on earth”- try farm-raising fish tanks in rural Iowa. Maybe an open mind will be all it will take to taste the glory and impressiveness of their “We speak fish” motto.

            If nothing else, the fries should impress. Fish and Chips? Fast food? Road Trip pit-stop? These joints, including McDonald’s always have perfectly cut, genetically modified, conveyer belt, uniform, greasy but unmatchable fries. I’m not a health freak, I enjoy my fair share of junk food, but can’t eat it without a deep-frier’s worth of guilt. I’m also hoping for some kind of frostie or ice cream dessert situation. It would appear that Long John Silver’s would strive to complete “the meal” like so many other grab-and-go restaurants… a Cod-olate shake, perhaps? A Reef Beer float?

            I’m sure the thematic elements of seafood will be played to the max, I wouldn’t be surprised if the musical ambiance was set with a sponge-bob square pants sound track...“Aye, Aye Captain”. Corniness could be a real tool here, to lure kids into begging their parents to bring them back to the cheap, fake, heart-attack-in-a-basket place. Mascots? Kids Meals? TV’s playing the Little Mermaid? Who knows.

            I expect to be surrounded by people I wouldn’t normally share a meal with, to eat very mediocre and terrifyingly fake fried “seafood”, to try what I order, and resort to eating the fries and ice cream (hopefully). Fries and ice cream aren’t so bad, but I could go anywhere for those. So, Long John Silvers, impress me with your fish-speaking abilities.