Long John Slivers?

Long John Silvers stands bright in its yellow scheme of sunshine happiness smacked in a strips of Texas Corall, Wendys and Burger Kind on one of the ugliest strip mall highways in Kalamazoo. The blinding lights of fast food and tall signs speak the language of competition. Long John Silver’s yellow roof stands tall like a beacon with a bright blue on yellow nautical font trying a bit too hard to lure the nonexistent land-locked sailors looking for their fresh catch to be diminished to a fried crust. The parking lot is pretty empty on a Monday night, with the occasional car that comes around the drive through corner.

The parking lot is designed around the drive thru. “Seniors, 20% off very Tuesday” hangs in the window in appropriately big font. Entering the restaurant, tall booth backs and barriers make navigating to the counter mysterious and somewhat disorienting. The immediate stench of a McDonalds fast food ambiance is overwhelming.

The interior of the restaurant is a laughable effort of authentic. The wallpaper is nothing short of Sponge-bob Squarepants corniness. The walls exhibit scenic beach-town murals. Booths banner-ize the names of various seafood restaurants around the country, trying to channel their charm into the seriously lacking and cheaply furnished 40x40 foot “restaurant”. Any attempt at authenticity is completely undermined by the filthy, crumb-covered floor of conventional brick… slightly reminiscent of Academy St.

Friendly servers with headsets robotically chirp their elevator speech to anyone who arrives at the counter, and wink when they spot a customer a discount. Every menu item is under $8.00… even the “meals”. If one chooses to think through the content of the food served at these prices, they would realize none of the menu items are worth nearly this much. The menu is well advertised, everything offered tying up into a neat little package of a “meal” or “basket combo”. A range of soup, grilled fish, chicken nuggets, shrimp, and fish tacos can be found on the menu, along with a variety of sides. There is virtually nothing green to be ordered, except for fried veggie bites and processed, lumpy slimy green beans. Of course there are fries, and drinks, but a very limited selection of desserts: three kinds of pie- pecan, pineapple, and chocolate cream.

Four of eighteen tables were occupied at dinnertime on a Monday night, somewhat justified by the occasional woosh of a car coming around the corner in the drive thru line. The sit-down patrons consist of an eclectic group of senior citizens, eating their meals in silence left to listen to the workers behind the counter argue about who appreciates the other more over the exhaust fan and snap crackle pop of frying oil.

The food at Long John Silvers leaves its patrons with the headache and pounding chest that precedes a heart attack. This is memorable, but by no means pleasant, the concern for one’s health completely overriding any other redeeming impressions of the establishment. It will take several hours to recover from this one minute and forty-five second prep time eating experience. It was evident the manager had not worked out courteous table serving etiquette as the food was delivered without cutlery, causing customers to make a trip to the counter regardless.

Fish baskets include shapeless triangles of Alaskan Pollack, and the new special, fried Cod. The Pollack was much too thin for the mass of fried-ness on the outside, it oozed with grease when squeezed. The cod was far more substantial, though still far from impressive. After eating the first half of each, picking the fish out of the middle fried part is recommended to avoid major heath problems. Hush Puppies came as an added bonus with the baskets, a tasteless dry ball of onion flavored styrofoam.

The Fish Taco for ninety-nine cents aligned with its monetary value. The fish was virtually nonexistent, presenting the taco was an artful combination of warm, limp grater sized lettuce shreds, a dry tortilla and some sort of crunchy fried consistency surrounded by a mysterious pink and unnecessarily spicy sauce.

Of the pies, the Chocolate Cream pie will send one’s stomach from queasy to convulsing. The forty-six (yes forty six) ingredients are hidden on the back of the box while the nutrition facts are slapped on the underside. Judging from its presentation in a box with “pull here” tabs like Philadelphia cream cheese, it would be safe to bet the “pie” has been in this condition for at least a week. On first appearance it is mysteriously moist, with condensation on the shavings of chocolate that garnished the top. It was whipped brown custard on a thin chocolate crust. The crust was Betty Crocker mix on Steroids, leaving taste buds crawling with the unpleasantness of fake sugar overload. The inner custard was bearable, but still blister causing.

The food items with the least potential for disaster should be of the most concern. The water tastes like mountain-dew out of the soda machine, and the fries, usually the most redeeming quality of a fast food meal, were sub-par. The serving size was disappointing, and the ketchup cups were tuna-can shaped, wider than they were tall. This made for awkward dipping of the fries, an unnecessarily unpleasant experience of something so familiar.

Disposal of the entire meal was the most doomful, as everything once on the tray of a single serving of food gets dumped into a landfill. Not even the personal follow through of cleaning the dishes graced this below disappointing atmosphere and food quality. Long John Silvers rings cheap, with each patron just another open mouth on the conveyer belt of the past food industry. The food is produced cheap, tastes cheap, and leaves one feeling worse than cheap.

On the way out patrons are given the opportunity to “Ring the Captain’s Bell if we did well!”- Just keep on walking.