Long John Slivers?

Long John Silvers is a friendly beacon to its competitors, standing proud in a block of Texas Corall, Wendys and Burger King on one of the highways most frequented by college students in Kalamazoo. The blinding lights of fast food and tall signs speak the language of competition. Long John Silver’s yellow roof stands tall with a bright blue on yellow nautical font trying a bit too hard to lure in the Michigan, land-locked “sailors” looking for their fresh catch.

Although clearly intended for road tripping with its drive-through convenience, Long John Silvers is appropriately priced and accessible to fast-food seeking college students. With such convenience and charm, it is disappointing to find that the food is repulsively greasy for its nearby competitors, outweighing any other worthy elements of the experience.

Entering the restaurant, the familiar aroma of a fast food ambiance is overwhelming. The interior is a laughable effort of authentic. The wallpaper is nothing short of Sponge-bob Squarepants corniness. The walls exhibit scenic beach-town murals, and booths banner-ize the names of various seafood restaurants around the country, trying to channel their charm into the seriously lacking and cheaply furnished restaurant. Any attempt at authenticity is completely undermined by the filthy, crumb-covered floor of conventional brick… slightly reminiscent of Academy St. Though trying to capture a thematic scene, these efforts strike much louder beat than expected fast-food décor, inviting ridicule.

Cleanliness is one universal quality in an eating facility that is noticed by any patron, and Long John Silvers did not impress. In addition to the floor, there are crumbs on many of the tables and condiment countertops, inviting patrons to visualize the messes that were made by others earlier in the day.

Four of eighteen tables were occupied at dinnertime on a Monday night, somewhat justified by the occasional “woosh” of a car coming around the corner in the Drive-Thru line. The sit-down patrons consist of an eclectic group of senior citizens, eating their meals in silence, left to listen to the workers chatting over the exhaust fan and snap crackle pop of frying oil.

Diners come to Long John Silvers for fast food, and certainly get “Fast Food”. The food at Long John Silvers leaves its patrons dripping with grease, and smelling like the fried crust that encases every menu item, both hands and clothing fabric penetrated by the stench. This is memorable, but by no means pleasant. It will take several hours to eliminate evidence of this one minute and forty-five second prep time eating experience.

Friendly servers with headsets robotically chirp the specials to anyone who arrives at the counter, welcoming regulars into their familiar ordering routine. Every menu item is under $8.00. The menu is well designed, offering neat packages of a “meal” or “basket combo” including soup, grilled fish, chicken nuggets, shrimp, and fish tacos with a variety of sides. As one would expect, there are fries, and a soda fountain, but a very limited selection of desserts: three kinds of pie: pecan, pineapple, and chocolate cream.

Fish baskets include deep-fried triangles of Alaskan Pollack, and the new special, Fried Cod. The Pollack is much too thin for the mass of fried-ness on the outside: it oozes with grease when bitten into. The cod is far more substantial, though still far from enjoyable. After eating the first half of each, picking the fish out of the middle fried part is recommended to avoid major heath problems. “Hush Puppies” came as an added bonus with the baskets: a tasteless dry ball of onion flavored styrofoam.

The Fish Taco for ninety-nine cents aligns with its monetary value. The fish is virtually nonexistent, presenting the taco as an artful combination of warm, limp grater sized lettuce shreds, a dry tortilla and some sort of crunchy fried consistency surrounded by a mysterious pink and unnecessarily spicy sauce.

Of the pies, the Chocolate Cream Pie will send one’s stomach from queasy to convulsing. The forty-six (yes forty six) ingredients are hidden on the back of the box while the nutrition facts are on the underside. On first appearance, the pie is mysteriously moist, with condensation on the shavings of chocolate that garnished the top of a whipped brown custard on a thin chocolate crust. The crust is like Betty Crocker mix amped up in sweetness, leaving taste buds crawling with the unpleasantness of fake sugar overload. The inner custard is bearable, but still blister causing.

Possibly the most cause for concern, as every other fast food restaurant seems to have mastered these staple items, are the staples of French Fries and water. The water tastes like mountain-dew out of the soda machine, and the fries, usually the most redeeming and familiarly comforting aspect of a fast food meal, are disappointingly sub-par. The serving sizes are small, as the fries are served with a main dish, and the ketchup cups are tuna-can shaped, wider than they are tall. This makes for awkward dipping of the fries, an unnecessarily unpleasant experience with something so familiar.

Long John Silvers asks for comparison to other fast food competitors, and asks for an unimpressive status. Its incapability to adopt the art of fast food, especially with the fries, suggests students to stick to other frequented cheap joints on the weekends. The food is produced cheap, tastes cheap, and leaves one feeling worse than cheap. On the way out patrons are given the opportunity to “Ring the Captain’s Bell if we did well!”- Just keep on walking.